bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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