This is not my ceiling
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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