We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
