East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
