Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
