i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
