I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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