Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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