If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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