You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
