I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
