Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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