You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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