mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
