Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You can't motorboat a personality
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
