I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
