I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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