That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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