STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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