I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
