the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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