I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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