i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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