it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
