Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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