what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
