its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Randomize
