Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
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She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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