I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
