If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
