The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
