god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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