Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
