I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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