as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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