Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
