You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
