I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
