There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
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I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
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I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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