He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I just sharted jello shots
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
