Sponge bath it is.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
