those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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