if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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