Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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