then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
