This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
