she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
