a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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