The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
