he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
