You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
what day is it and did you see me today?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
