FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
