I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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