I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
