she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
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I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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