Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
