I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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